Being Okay with Not Being Okay
I am enough. I've struggled with writing this post for a few days now. I kept thinking of all the negative things people might think, and how I should just keep my thoughts to myself. But the idea for this blog post kept coming back and I couldn't deny that just maybe someone out there would need to hear this too. Or maybe this is a growing area for me about being more vulnerable? I value vulnerability and authenticity. But how can I expect others to be that way unless I step out myself and be the first to speak? You can't expect vulnerability to happen unless you're willing to be vulnerable yourself.
With the rise of social media we often aren't seeing the full picture, we're just seeing the good parts. The perfectly styled details, or the photo that was taken several times to make sure the lighting was just perfect. I know I've done that. But sometimes it's okay to be okay with not being okay, ya know?!?
To be honest with you all, last week was a big struggle for me. Stephen and I had been out of town for three days straight. All three days we were on our feet shooting for more than 10 hours every day. We had to wake up before sunrise for two of those days so to say our sleep schedule was a bit off is an understatement. By the time we arrived back home in Chico we were beat. When the next work day rolled around, the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed and work. I wanted to have one of those Netflix binges everyone else seems to have time for! In preparation to leave for a week long conference the next week, I had put massive deadlines on myself to get things done before I left. So here I am. Exhausted with huge hanging deadlines over me that I "must" finish before leaving for Georgia.
As hard as it was, I forced myself out of bed early once more to get to work. I turned on my computer and after waiting over ten minutes for one program to start up, I knew I had a problem. The one thing I really really need to work efficiently and quickly everyday, my computer, was dying! Computers issues can be one of the most frustrating things, especially when there's fast approaching deadlines on the table!
So instead of working, my Tuesday was spent on the phone with Apple figuring out what was wrong. I came to the realization that my list of "to-dos" might actually become "can't-dos". I stopped dead in my tracks, because there was nothing I could do. I couldn't be in control of how fast my computer was working, or how many tasks were just sitting on it waiting to be checked off. This was eating away at me. I needed to get everything done. I even skipped going to the gym so I could get a jump start on these things early that morning. So, I had a little panic attack...actually a big panic attack. How could I get everything done? Couldn't it have waiting to do this until the off-season?!? Needless to say, I wasn't very fun to be around! Stephen can attest to that.
So I gave up. I texted our neighbor and asked if she wanted to go on a walk. This is one thing I have been wanting to do, but hadn't felt like I had the time. Walking away from our home office, I couldn't help but feel a sense of freedom. In that moment I had a choice. I could either hold onto the fact that I had things to do and with every bone in my body try to fight and be frustrated. Or, I could let it all go and enjoy my time outside. During our walk, I chose the later. I felt tension releasing and a wave of peace come over me. Even if the whole week was spent doing other tasks or just even just relaxing, I was going to be okay. I chose to be okay. Hey maybe I'd get that Netflix binge after all!
It's funny how God uses situations like this to change our perspectives and build our character. No, I do not think God purposely made my computer slow down, or wanted me to not get my work done. But he can use not-so-fun situations like this to show me that I don't need to freak out when something in my day gets interrupted or things don't go "my way". When it comes down to it, at the end of the day, I am enough! No matter what work hasn't been completed, or how much I don't feel adequate to do my job, I am always enough!
And you know the funny thing about this silly little hiccup in my week, is that it ended up being just that. By the end of the week, miraculously almost all the things on my "to do" list had been checked off. On top of that, Apple is replacing my hard drive for FREE while I'm in Georgia. I was seriously a miracle my computer was fast enough when I needed it to be, and I was still able to use it to get things done (and watch Netflix). I know that was God saying, hey Chels, I've got you. You're enough!
So let me end this post by saying something to you. If you're feeling the way I was, you're not alone. It's okay to not be okay! It reminds me of some song lyrics from a song we used recently on one of our commercial films (coming soon). "You don't have to have it all together now, to have it all. You don't have to have it all together now, to have a ball."
Letting go can sometimes be the best thing you can do. If there's nothing you can do, just do you. Be okay with where you're at, wherever that is. Be real about it with others. I love you all and want you to know that you are enough!!